Monday, November 7, 2011
UC application essay on South Africa, please READ and CRITIQUE!?
UC application essay on South Africa, please READ and CRITIQUE!?
arlight... this is pretty bad.. i know. I decided to totally re write it an hour before i submit this.. im on a word limit i know the format isnt too good..am i answering the question? i picked the "contribution and experience" part of the question i gues. Personal Statement 2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are? During August 2009 ten Thayer Academy students, including myself and two teachers, went to South Africa. While other kids worked hard at their summer jobs, or lounged by the pool, we spent the next three weeks visiting townships, touring historical sites, and learning everything we could about South Africa’s culture and society. Every day we encountered aspects of South Africa far more interesting than the lions and zebras we had imagined would be the highlight of our trip. Actually, the last three days of the trip did include a Safari, but when I think of my experience I see a whole different scene. Upon our arrival, the culture shock was undeniable, even for the more traveled ones in the group. I remember visiting various townships and schools for the children of poverty stricken villages. I had always imagined the rich and more luxurious neighborhoods to be located very far from such villages, but I soon realized that the beautiful mansions of Cape Town weren’t too far in proximity to the tin-and-cardboard shacks of Capetown’s largest township, Langa. The close proximity of the middle-class suburbs to this township clarified the distinct contrast between the two, and it was painfully obvious how different the world of the township residents was from that of the middle class, whom were mostly white. I will never forget visiting a small schoolhouse that belonged to a village outside of Johannesburg; where seven or eight year old children were being educated on HIV/AIDS and the importance of safe sex. These children and many more we encountered were usually lacking shirts and rarely had shoes on their feet, and never had the kind of doctors and dentists appointments we hate to go to. Their eyes grew wide as they listened to their teacher translate as we spoke about our backgrounds and our life in the United States. Being able to give to them the supplies we had brought to donate was a great feeling, but it only made me realize how much more aid they needed, and how oblivious they were to their own poor living conditions. It was so touching to see that children and adults alike showed us their generosity by inviting us into their village, and showing us their culture-through small acts such as singing songs to us in Afrikaans or offering us their native food. I remember thinking my work here is not done. Flash forward two years, and I am interning at Dr. Rohit Karnik’s Mircrofluidics Lab in MIT, working with a graduate student who is creating microfluidic chips. What does this have to do with my trip to South Africa? As technology moves forward, the world becomes smaller. Now, being on another continent or being 10 miles away from a township isn’t any different. These microfluidic can detect various diseases by only a single drop of blood, through tunnels that mimic physiological conditions of blood cells. The idea is that one day these plastic (and very cheap to make!)lab-on-a-chip devices can be mass produced and sent to various places around the globe so people who cannot afford big medical bills can be diagnosed and treated.
Higher Education (University +) - 3 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
Besides some grammatical issues, which you mentioned you had already noticed, I think it is a decent essay. It is very straightforward in the sense that it answers the prompt pretty directly, but sometimes that is not a bad thing. One question I would have as an admissions officer, (since I assume this is being sent to the UC system?), is why you mention MIT. I think the focus should be on a UC campus like Berkeley or San Diego or LA since that is who this essay will be sent to. They want to know that you will be a candidate who is dedicated to becoming a part of the UC system, regardless of what campus it is you want. Unfortunately there is no shoo-in topic to write about, but I feel you have done a pretty good job of describing an experience that was important and striking in your life. Good luck!
2 :
It seemed pretty well written to me. Like you said, there are some grammatical issues. But other than that it's fine. Actually, I've been saving to go to South Africa sometime in the future and your essay made me want to go even more.
3 :
I don't think it's a good idea to post your personal statement publicly. Someone can steal it.
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